i am a man

This is one of those examples of a male who never has to wonder if he is a man or not. He can go home and confidently say to the mirror, “I am a man.” Whereas the rest of us slightly moot males have to look into our own mirrors and seriously consider if we are men or girls. I have never ridden a horse through a burning swathe of flame. Just seeing the picture of someone else doing it causes me to wonder how much that must hurt. I have also never chased down a criminal, shot a six shooter, or had lasers come out of my eyes. If those things are required for manhood I need to get my game on along with my leotards.

The unfortunate thing about this whole situation is that I am a dad. I love my kids, but to them I must pretend to be a man. One day, I imagine that I will have to do manly things in order to save myself in the eyes of my children. I will have to tear a weapon out of the hands of a criminal; I will have to eat fire, walk over coals, take three rounds of a .358 to the chest and still live; I will need to walk into a room and somehow or other make every woman present along with a few of the men faint with passion. Sadly all of these manly things are very daunting tasks if you stop to think about it.

My first impulse when faced with manliness is to say, “well, I have a job,” but women have those, too. I also like to eat greasy cheeseburgers from America's finest fast food chains, but even children can tackle those. So really what is left for me to do that is manly enough to impress my children and to encourage them to be men? I think that perhaps wearing flower-patterned shirts in public is the only real option left to me.